The Black Woman's Rock and Hard Place

I was out with some friends a while ago and Destiny’s Childs “Independent Women” came on the radio. Immediately, we began to sing and dance because, for some reason, this has become our anthem. Although enjoying myself, I couldn’t help but notice some snide facial expressions and gestures – directed at us – from some men in the room, and I know why. Although Ne-Yo may like his women independent, many other black men do not.

Engrained in the DNA of the black man is a gene that evokes the need to be the king, the protector, the provider. This, of course, is natural, but the antithesis to that gene lies in the creation of the independent woman. Many men dislike this woman because – although they’d never admit it – she emasculates them. Traditionally, women are supposed to be weak and fully dependent on men, but the gender roles have changed, and women now are able to provide themselves with lavish lifestyles without the help of their male counter parts. Some would think that this is great for women, but it actually has become a curse. I know this because I, too, am cursed.

Because men do everything in their power to avoid head-strong, successful women, this particular class of woman is left to wallow in her loneliness and question the smart decisions that she has made. Was she wrong for getting an education? Was she wrong for daring to achieve her goals? Was she wrong for taking the risks that led to her successful career? Obviously not, but sometimes she may feel that she, in fact, was foolish for deciding to live for herself. She may feel this way as a result of some men’s fear of her which has forced her to live out her successful life in solitude. I question my choices every day, but the decisions that I have made were the direct result of a man.

When I was younger, I was in a relationship that I thought was amazing. My first and only child resulted from this relationship, and I truly thought that I was going to have my fairytale ending. Then, of course, he left. At that point, I was totally and completely dependent upon him, so when he left, I had nothing. Nothing! I was then left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move on, and it was tough, but I made it. I was able to build a nice little life for myself and my son, and everything was good again. Then, as quickly and suddenly as he had left, my ex was back. Again, life was good. I was happy, and we were a family. However, not even six months later, things took a turn for the worse. He left. Again. This time, however, his motives were a little different. He felt as if I didn’t need him, and as we know, men NEED to be needed. Apparently, I did everything on my own, completely independent of him, and he felt that he was useless in the relationship. I, of course, was shocked and thought that this was completely unfair, but he had made his decision and he was gone.

This is where the “rock and the hard place” comes in to play. As a woman, you are “supposed” to be dependent upon your other half in order to keep a balance in your relationship, but what are you to do when the relationship goes array? The first time, I was dependent and could barely survive on my own, but when he left me, I was forced to survive. Luckily, in that instance, I made some good choices. But when he came back, out of fear of being left with nothing again, I refused to fully relinquish control and that became a problem. Who wants to be left with nothing but the clothes on her back… again? “Not I” said the cat, so I made the decision that was best for me. And as a result, I have been completely single for three years.

I truly do understand that men need to be needed, but women also need security, and if men aren’t providing that, then women must provide it for themselves. As a woman, it is completely unfair for a man to complain about a woman’s independence when, in fact, her independence is a direct result of his actions. Men dislike the independent woman, but she is their creation. We (independent women) only exist because we weren’t given another option. We have no choice. It’s either be independent and fully self-sufficient or be homeless, cold and hungry. I, for one, choose food and shelter.

It has been said many times that in order to be happy with someone else, you must learn to be happy with yourself first. It has taken me a long time to be happy with myself and the decisions that I have made, and I refuse to regress and neither should you. Out there somewhere, there is someone who will love my “go getter” attitude and high achieving demeanor, and just as there’s someone for me, there is someone for you. So don’t question yourself like I did; the decisions that you made which led to your success were right on target. Although many men dislike, abhor, or even hate the independent woman that most of us have become, there are still some that are desperately searching for us. Until next time, SMOOCHES!

The Search for "The Good Black Man" Unraveled

I am a single black woman (no surprise there) and it took me a long time to be Ok with that fact, but now I am. After working on myself in a number of ways, I started to view the notorious claim made by single black women that pertains to black men in a completely different light. This claim, obviously, is that “there are no good black men left.” This idea is completely false, and I will simply explain why so many women are having trouble finding a “good black man.”

A woman wants a man that is accomplished, intellectual, sexy, has a good job, a car, good credit and even his own home. That is a great aspiration, yet these women never ask themselves the ever important question, “what am I bringing to the table?” You expect a man to do so much when you are not doing anything yourselves. That is completely ignorant. While you are looking for a man that will upgrade you, that same man is looking for a woman that is already on his level, meaning: NOT YOU. He wants a woman that is bringing the exact same thing to the table, so they can build something together, not so you can sponge off of what he has worked so hard to build. So if you are claiming that good black men do not exist anymore, the truth of the matter is that they are there (I’ve actually met some, and was stuck on one for a while, but at this point, I am not bringing as much to the table as he could and I’m OK with that), but they just do not want you.

These good black men have the same standards that you do, not to mention they struggle with trying to fight off gold-diggers, hood-rats and scally-whops, just like you try to fight off losers. These losers, which you seem to think all men are, already know the game. They know that the accomplished man is not checking for your broke ass so when they see the opportunity, they take it. That is why you only get hit on by tired men; because that is all you attract. So do not blame your inability to attract a good man on the fact that the market is weak, because the truth is that the good buyers do not want what you are selling.

If you want to attract a good man, you must first get yourself together. True, a man wants to be a man and protect and provide for his woman, but he does not want to save her from jump. You have to build to that point. If you cannot successfully take care of yourself, why would he want to take on all of your excess baggage? And don’t say “because I look good,” or any other nonsense like that because there are plenty of dimes that are on their A game. Just like you don’t want a broke ass man, he for damn sure doesn’t want a broke ass woman. No offense to my gender, but broke women are a liability, to a certain extent. So before you criticize one of God’s greatest creations, the black man, reevaluate yourself. For example, are you extremely high maintenance with weak job? For a man, that equals liability. You must first get yourself in order if you want to attract a certain type of man. If you do not do that, be prepared to be surrounded by hood ninjas for the rest of your life.

The primary concern is that the good black man wants a good black woman, and in my opinion, we have become more scarce than them.