As I sit here, I'm staring attentively at the woman behind "the yellow wall paper," wondering if she sees me for who I really am. For I have changed and I'm not even sure I know me anymore. Over the years, one is expected to evolve and mature but to what point is that change acceptable? Personally, I draw the line when becoming a "better" person leads to self loathing or even shame. Recently, I was been put in a position where I had to choose between compromising my own personal ideals and possibly hurting a foe disguised as a friend. I chose to keep my comments, opinions, and facts to myself and it is killing me. Before I started "working" on myself, I would have just said and done what was truly in my heart because I usually do not care about other people's feelings but for some reason, I cannot seem to bring myself to express the sentiments that are burning in my soul. There is a beast inside of me and as of right now I'm keeping it under control, but how long do you suppose one can do that? It is a sore that is festering and oozing over; it is getting infected and in the process is affecting my relationship with the person whom I am trying to protect, from me.
My contention is not to intimidate, strong-arm, or even appear aggressive by any means. I am merely exposing the inner conflict one can be faced with when she compromises herself to save a fake relationship simply because it is convenient. This stress must be dealt with in a manner that is not typical of my regular operation, because, like I said before, I am working on myself. My goal is to avoid subjecting others to my hurtful spurts sarcasm and and ruining them in the process - apparently I am very good at that. But in order to do this, I must suppress my thoughts, which entails going against everything that I believe in and stand for. Clearly being a better person is going to take some work, hopefully not more work than I am willing to commit to, but we will see how it goes... Until then, *SMOOCHES*
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