The Black Woman's Rock and Hard Place

I was out with some friends a while ago and Destiny’s Childs “Independent Women” came on the radio. Immediately, we began to sing and dance because, for some reason, this has become our anthem. Although enjoying myself, I couldn’t help but notice some snide facial expressions and gestures – directed at us – from some men in the room, and I know why. Although Ne-Yo may like his women independent, many other black men do not.

Engrained in the DNA of the black man is a gene that evokes the need to be the king, the protector, the provider. This, of course, is natural, but the antithesis to that gene lies in the creation of the independent woman. Many men dislike this woman because – although they’d never admit it – she emasculates them. Traditionally, women are supposed to be weak and fully dependent on men, but the gender roles have changed, and women now are able to provide themselves with lavish lifestyles without the help of their male counter parts. Some would think that this is great for women, but it actually has become a curse. I know this because I, too, am cursed.

Because men do everything in their power to avoid head-strong, successful women, this particular class of woman is left to wallow in her loneliness and question the smart decisions that she has made. Was she wrong for getting an education? Was she wrong for daring to achieve her goals? Was she wrong for taking the risks that led to her successful career? Obviously not, but sometimes she may feel that she, in fact, was foolish for deciding to live for herself. She may feel this way as a result of some men’s fear of her which has forced her to live out her successful life in solitude. I question my choices every day, but the decisions that I have made were the direct result of a man.

When I was younger, I was in a relationship that I thought was amazing. My first and only child resulted from this relationship, and I truly thought that I was going to have my fairytale ending. Then, of course, he left. At that point, I was totally and completely dependent upon him, so when he left, I had nothing. Nothing! I was then left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move on, and it was tough, but I made it. I was able to build a nice little life for myself and my son, and everything was good again. Then, as quickly and suddenly as he had left, my ex was back. Again, life was good. I was happy, and we were a family. However, not even six months later, things took a turn for the worse. He left. Again. This time, however, his motives were a little different. He felt as if I didn’t need him, and as we know, men NEED to be needed. Apparently, I did everything on my own, completely independent of him, and he felt that he was useless in the relationship. I, of course, was shocked and thought that this was completely unfair, but he had made his decision and he was gone.

This is where the “rock and the hard place” comes in to play. As a woman, you are “supposed” to be dependent upon your other half in order to keep a balance in your relationship, but what are you to do when the relationship goes array? The first time, I was dependent and could barely survive on my own, but when he left me, I was forced to survive. Luckily, in that instance, I made some good choices. But when he came back, out of fear of being left with nothing again, I refused to fully relinquish control and that became a problem. Who wants to be left with nothing but the clothes on her back… again? “Not I” said the cat, so I made the decision that was best for me. And as a result, I have been completely single for three years.

I truly do understand that men need to be needed, but women also need security, and if men aren’t providing that, then women must provide it for themselves. As a woman, it is completely unfair for a man to complain about a woman’s independence when, in fact, her independence is a direct result of his actions. Men dislike the independent woman, but she is their creation. We (independent women) only exist because we weren’t given another option. We have no choice. It’s either be independent and fully self-sufficient or be homeless, cold and hungry. I, for one, choose food and shelter.

It has been said many times that in order to be happy with someone else, you must learn to be happy with yourself first. It has taken me a long time to be happy with myself and the decisions that I have made, and I refuse to regress and neither should you. Out there somewhere, there is someone who will love my “go getter” attitude and high achieving demeanor, and just as there’s someone for me, there is someone for you. So don’t question yourself like I did; the decisions that you made which led to your success were right on target. Although many men dislike, abhor, or even hate the independent woman that most of us have become, there are still some that are desperately searching for us. Until next time, SMOOCHES!

The Search for "The Good Black Man" Unraveled

I am a single black woman (no surprise there) and it took me a long time to be Ok with that fact, but now I am. After working on myself in a number of ways, I started to view the notorious claim made by single black women that pertains to black men in a completely different light. This claim, obviously, is that “there are no good black men left.” This idea is completely false, and I will simply explain why so many women are having trouble finding a “good black man.”

A woman wants a man that is accomplished, intellectual, sexy, has a good job, a car, good credit and even his own home. That is a great aspiration, yet these women never ask themselves the ever important question, “what am I bringing to the table?” You expect a man to do so much when you are not doing anything yourselves. That is completely ignorant. While you are looking for a man that will upgrade you, that same man is looking for a woman that is already on his level, meaning: NOT YOU. He wants a woman that is bringing the exact same thing to the table, so they can build something together, not so you can sponge off of what he has worked so hard to build. So if you are claiming that good black men do not exist anymore, the truth of the matter is that they are there (I’ve actually met some, and was stuck on one for a while, but at this point, I am not bringing as much to the table as he could and I’m OK with that), but they just do not want you.

These good black men have the same standards that you do, not to mention they struggle with trying to fight off gold-diggers, hood-rats and scally-whops, just like you try to fight off losers. These losers, which you seem to think all men are, already know the game. They know that the accomplished man is not checking for your broke ass so when they see the opportunity, they take it. That is why you only get hit on by tired men; because that is all you attract. So do not blame your inability to attract a good man on the fact that the market is weak, because the truth is that the good buyers do not want what you are selling.

If you want to attract a good man, you must first get yourself together. True, a man wants to be a man and protect and provide for his woman, but he does not want to save her from jump. You have to build to that point. If you cannot successfully take care of yourself, why would he want to take on all of your excess baggage? And don’t say “because I look good,” or any other nonsense like that because there are plenty of dimes that are on their A game. Just like you don’t want a broke ass man, he for damn sure doesn’t want a broke ass woman. No offense to my gender, but broke women are a liability, to a certain extent. So before you criticize one of God’s greatest creations, the black man, reevaluate yourself. For example, are you extremely high maintenance with weak job? For a man, that equals liability. You must first get yourself in order if you want to attract a certain type of man. If you do not do that, be prepared to be surrounded by hood ninjas for the rest of your life.

The primary concern is that the good black man wants a good black woman, and in my opinion, we have become more scarce than them.

Gorillas and Glamour Shots

Usually when I write I tend to vent, but for some reason, I feel the need to relay some advice. It is not something that you have never heard before, it's actually very common, just a little different. A famous celebrity (we'll just call him Diddy) once said that "there is always someone trying to take your spot," and he was right. Everything that you do, every accomplishment that you make, and every goal that you reach will always be stalked by a gorilla. A gorilla, whose only goal is to dethrone you and take your place as queen of the jungle. It is up to you to be advised of this phenomenon because if you aren't a gorilla can and will replace you, especially if you are not "on your A game." You may be the fiercest feline in the jungle, but that doesn't mean anything if Mighty Joe Young has a plan. Admittedly, there are times when one's position in life should be usurped, but if that is to occur justly, the position must be filled by another feline of equal or greater value. Sometimes, however, nature does not work in an orderly fashion and you may look upon you throne and see, not beautiful, regal tiger, but a gorilla in a tube top. For this reason, you must be very conscious of the gorilla in the glamour shot.

This gorilla is just that, a primate, an ape, an Australian Swamp Monkey who has hit the jackpot. The only difference is this gorilla was able to excel where you may have fallen short. The glamour shot is even more simple. It it when the disgusting primate dresses itself up as something it is not. It passes itself off as strong minded, leader who will complement the king of the jungle, when it really just destroys his empire all together. The worst part about it is that the king will not realize it until it is too late. This hideous beast, a substantial downgrade from you, can and will single handedly ruin your way of life it you let it. So I implore you to always be aware. Handle your royal duties as efficiently and eloquently as possible because if you do not, your throne will become the host of a predator-like gorilla in a false glamour shot. Until next time... *SMOOCHES*

Beware of the "Signifying Monkey"

In order to fully understand the topic of discussion for the day, it is necessary for me to explain exactly what the signifying monkey is. The signifying monkey is a character from African American folklore and this character, in essence, serves as what is now known as an instigator. This "monkey" instigates a fight between a lion (the king) and an elephant. He targets the lion's pride stating that the elephant has challenged the lion's authority and in a fit of rage, the lion seeks out the elephant in order to defend his name. Nevertheless, the elephant - for lack of better word- beats the living crap out of the lion and the monkey condescendingly mocks the lion from high in the trees, where he himself remains safe from harm. This is very significant for many reasons, primarily because at some point you will undoubtedly encounter one of these monkeys. I have fairly recently. The signifying monkey is a character that is able to manipulate you without you even catching wind of it. He, or she in my case, works very slyly and the worst part is that there is nothing that you can do about it. In regard to the lion, the monkey remains in the trees where the lion cannot reach him; in my case, the monkey is an authority figure that I am powerless against.

This monkey is the worst type of manipulator because he cannot be broken. He will use you in his plot to simply entertain himself, and you unknowingly will dance like a puppet on a string. The only way to combat the signifying monkey is to know your facts 100% before you act. This is very important because once the monkey gets a hold of you and gets inside of your head you will be powerless. Moreover, when you finally realize the monkey's plot and intentions, it will be too late and the monkey will remain untouchable for you. Simply put, BEWARE OF THE SIGNIFYING MONKEY because being caught within his grasp will inevitably lead to frustration at your inability to retaliate. Until next time, *SMOOCHES*

Fish Out of Water

It is no secret that fish need water to survive. Without water, a fish will most certainly “suffocate,” perishing as a result of trying to breath with “no air;” proverbial air that is. The primary issue at hand is that I am a Pisces, a fish, and I have lost my lifeline, my water bearer, quite some time ago and I’m struggling to survive. You’re probably wondering how I made it this long without water, but that is simple; every now and again my water bearer brings me a little, just enough to continue on, but not enough to get my fill. My water is rationed in small increments. I am given the opportunity to dive in but am quickly pulled back out, never truly able to frolic and flourish the way that all fish need to. In essence, I am flopping around on the dock, praying that my water bearer will oh so gently, place me back into the water so I can live. I mean really live.

Life in general is difficult, but it can be even more intolerable once you lose the very thing that has kept you going for so long. Although there are many things that inspire and motivate me, there is something missing. The water that every fish needs is no longer available to me and I feel as if I am sinking into an endless pit of sand, and am struggling to break free from air's choke hold. The only way to truly end this suffering is for the water bearer to unselfishly shower me with the very element that I need. So this is my plea to my water bearer, my Aquarius, there is so much that I need from you, but until you decide to be as generous as I have been, I will remain on the dock of life praying for your mercy. Until next time, *SMOOCHES*

A Tiger in a Cage

As I sit here, I'm staring attentively at the woman behind "the yellow wall paper," wondering if she sees me for who I really am. For I have changed and I'm not even sure I know me anymore. Over the years, one is expected to evolve and mature but to what point is that change acceptable? Personally, I draw the line when becoming a "better" person leads to self loathing or even shame. Recently, I was been put in a position where I had to choose between compromising my own personal ideals and possibly hurting a foe disguised as a friend. I chose to keep my comments, opinions, and facts to myself and it is killing me. Before I started "working" on myself, I would have just said and done what was truly in my heart because I usually do not care about other people's feelings but for some reason, I cannot seem to bring myself to express the sentiments that are burning in my soul. There is a beast inside of me and as of right now I'm keeping it under control, but how long do you suppose one can do that? It is a sore that is festering and oozing over; it is getting infected and in the process is affecting my relationship with the person whom I am trying to protect, from me.

My contention is not to intimidate, strong-arm, or even appear aggressive by any means. I am merely exposing the inner conflict one can be faced with when she compromises herself to save a fake relationship simply because it is convenient. This stress must be dealt with in a manner that is not typical of my regular operation, because, like I said before, I am working on myself. My goal is to avoid subjecting others to my hurtful spurts sarcasm and and ruining them in the process - apparently I am very good at that. But in order to do this, I must suppress my thoughts, which entails going against everything that I believe in and stand for. Clearly being a better person is going to take some work, hopefully not more work than I am willing to commit to, but we will see how it goes... Until then, *SMOOCHES*